Tiny humans…

So I give birth and all I feel is worried, scared, anxious, excited and just uncertain, I go through the, will I drop her, she is so tiny, can I do this, am I ready and I ask myself if I could handle this whole parenthood thing. I mean I trip on my own feet and forget to put deodorant sometimes, could I possibly be a parent! Could I stand and protect someone, could I advocate for them, be their voices when no one knows what they want to say, will I know what to do and when to do what?… All these thoughts and reality checks show that there’s not much you can do when they (baby) are waiting to feed. How does the saying go? Fake it till you own it…something like that.  
Most of the time I have no clue what I am doing none! You see having a child pushes you to places you never knew existed and most of all you discover yourself while trying to make sense of it all. Overwhelming is the best way to put it. One day at a time, one nappy change at a time, one sleepless night at a time is all I can say. You will get better, you will find your feet with each stage and each milestone and then another one will come and smack you right between the eyes, yep it will have you in tears and begging for a pause button because honey everything just spirals out of control and again I say, you have this helpless person depending on you and crumbling is never an option. Friends will ask how I am and my answer will be that I am as good as anyone with a very limited amount of sleep and a million things to do with no time in the day to do them, can be.
 We once rushed to the emergency room because I thought my baby was suffocating and would die at any moment, sounds dramatic right ?! well it was tough. There I was calling my mom who was more than 600 km from me just so she can see the baby cry and tell me what to do, yep I video called her. Of course she couldn’t hear a thing with the baby crying, me screaming (with my efforts to talk to her) and my husband walking around in circles doing Lord knows what. When I eventually heard that she was advising us to go to casualty I got up put my feet in the first pair of shoes my eyes landed on, screamed at hubby to grab the keys so we could go and off we went. We get there and I am carrying the baby who has on a vest with the nappy clipped on one side, socks on and nothing else. In my efforts to rush I had managed to grab a blanket to cover her.

And me?, well I have on night dress rolled up on the sleeves, no bra on my boobs slowly swelling from the fullness of milk. Doek on my head, teeth not brushed, armpits smelly and sweating from all the panic and rushing…in a nutshell I have not washed and I am sure I smelt sour, honey breast milks stinks and all mommies will tell you that the milk starts leaking when the boobs get too full. The doctor comes, checks her and tells me its normal, its regurgitation and babies do that. He went on to say she is fine I must hug her and that all I should do is make sure her airway is open when she starts vomiting. At this point I get that the child is doing good, but all I am thinking is that I should not stretch too much when taking the baby because the odour was unbearable for me too.